I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize