so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
