I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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