I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
