i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
