I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
