you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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