I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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