just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I think my moral compass just broke
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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