Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
