My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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