he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
