Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
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