I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
