would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
