I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
