how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
