no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
