i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I think a kid would responsible me up
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
