I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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