Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
