Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
