i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
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