Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
