Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
