Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
