dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize