I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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