Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize