why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
