I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
