Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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