I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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