ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
