the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
