i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
