does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
