mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
