Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
