college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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