I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize