He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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