I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize