??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
