I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
