Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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