You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
