I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
