wrigley field is MILF paradise
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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