Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
