im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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