i was born a porn star she said
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Randomize
