And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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