M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
