She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
