I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
me + whiskey = a bad person
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
