I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Pants are for mortals
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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