theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
