A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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