I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
