The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
