theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
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