I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
