I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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