I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize